I will begin by saying, “We are not going to adopt boy & girl.”
There are times in life when words can't express how a decision has been made. This seems to be one of those times.
In many ways I feel like I have failed so many people. I have failed Jeremiah. I have failed boy & girl. I have failed my family. I have failed my friends. But in an entirely different light, I believe I have pleased my God.
How did we get here?
It is assumed in our society that people get married and then they have children. When children are not being born, it is assumed that you go to the doctor and you get treatment. When treatment does not produce a child, it is assumed that you adopt. When adoption does not work, it is assumed that you will not have children.
Along this journey of life I have found that {wherever} God takes you in this life is {plan A}.
Whether you get married or don't get married. Whether you have children naturally or un-naturally. Whether you adopt or don't adopt. God's sovereign plan IS the perfect plan. His plan is not a cookie-cutter kind of plan. What seems to make sense on the outside, often doesn't make peace on the inside. What looks like the right path to walk on, is often not the path that He carries you along.
From the outside looking in - this decision does not make sense. After all, God loves the orphan, God loves adoption, God mandates that we care for the orphan and the widow. God is pro-family, God is pro-child. God is love.
But He is not a cookie-cutter God. He is Glorious! He is!
The past summer was a season of deep growth. God took me into the deep. He took me to places that I didn't want to go. He carried me along a path that was thorny and rocky and rough. We made it out on the other side and we made it out together.
He showed me, somewhere along the way, that this world and it's perceived ideas of “perfection” and“order” are entirely different than His ideas. He showed me that what society deems”normal” is often contrary to His divine nature and will. He showed me that submission to my husband was not only a command but a privilege. He showed me how to trust Him and He showed me what the Peace of God looks like in my life. I knew it. I felt it. I experienced His peace and presence.
I grieved along the journey. I grieved the loss of children. I first grieved the loss of our four biological children. Children that He took home to be with Him. I grieved the loss of Hope's little girl. The baby girl that we thought might come and live with us, but ended up being placed with an entirely different family. I grieved the loss of the baby girl due to be born in November, but the mother disappeared never to be seen again. And I grieved to loss of our adopted children, when DHS said there is no way that you will adopt if you do not do foster care and Jeremiah didn't feel like it is was the right thing for us to do... I grieved the loss of many children. Children that I had never met. Children that I had never seen. I grieved the loss of my desires. I grieved the loss of my will.
The Lord was working on my heart during this journey. He was showing me that He truly would give me the desires of my heart. The tough part is, He shaped and molded my heart and mind to be submissive to Him. He broke my will, so He could have preeminence. It hurt. I was broken. I mourned. I was renewed.
Looking back over the summer has been an instrumental part of the decision that we made concerning these two precious children, these two precious lives. I see the hand of God preparing me and showing me “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.” declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:8. What the world perceives as the next “normal” step in the process of having children, God sees entirely differently. Yes, it is logical that we would adopt. It is honorable that we would adopt. But if we say, “Yes” just because we received a phone call one day from DHS, we would be doing these two precious children an injustice.
I was perceiving a phone call as the will of God. I was perceiving the events around us as a sign. I ignored the Holy Spirit's stirring in my soul in hopes that with each passing day this would become “right” and I would have His peace and presence. I never stopped long enough in the last 3 weeks to remember the journey that God had taken me on this past summer. I didn't compare the hard truth's that He had taught me against the situation. I assumed what our society assumes “When treatment does not produce a child, it is assumed that you adopt.”
Once again, what seems to make sense on the outside, often doesn't make peace on the inside. I am thankful that God has given me the courage to speak up... to not be scared... to not be ashamed. I am thankful that“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” Isaiah 26:3
