Somewhere along the way I started to believe these lies:
- you must be happy all the time to show that God lives inside you.
- you'll only be happy when your business is booming.
- you don't have time for friends & family. You run your own business; your family will understand.
- you must endure painful situations and people as not to draw attention to your pain.
- you can start a diet whenever you want.
- your schedule has to be maxed out @ all the times, to show you're valuable in the world.
- you must always put others first - my distorted interpretation, never have your own thought or opinion or need.
- you need to endure mockery and rude behavior - it's the "Christian" thing to do.
- you don't have time to exercise or eat right. You're too busy. People need you.
- you're not valuable enough to take time for yourself. It's not the "Christian" thing to do.
- when people call, you must drop everything for them.
- you can "wing it" with food. It'll be fine.
I have missed this. Pondering. Taking time. Writing. Being honest. Being vulnerable. Being myself.
So, here it is... me pondering, taking time, writing, being honest, being vulnerable, being myself....
I started Celebrate Recovery three weeks ago. I cried almost the entire first meeting. I was nervous to walk into the small group. I was full of pride and "christian maturity." I wasn't there 20 minutes before I had to say out-loud, "I'm a gracious believer in Jesus Christ and I struggle with food addiction and co-dependency". What?!?! Did that just come out of my mouth? Yes it did. And here's the honest truth.
I struggle with food addiction. I eat when I am sad. I eat when my feelings get hurt. I eat when I am stressed. I eat when people unload their problems on me. I eat when I'm lonely.
I not only eat in an uncontrollable way, but I am the nice girl. The one everyone can run to. The one that won't let you down. The one who will drop her own agenda for your agenda. The one who worries more about people opinions of her than her own wellbeing. The one who, in highschool, let people mock her, give her unrealistic responsibilities, shove her into bushes & call her horrible names. The one who enabled her friends because she wanted to be liked and thought well of.
The problem with this thinking is this: I don't have all the answers. I can't help everyone. I'm not God. Only God can be all of these things to His creation. Only God won't let people down. Only God can help everyone. Only God can help me. I'm looking forward to the year ahead. I'm looking forward to this journey with God. I'm looking forward to seeing how He designed me, how He made me, how He is going to change me into His image. Not the weak image I've conjured up all these years. I'm broken and ready.
